Turns out that the present from London is some kind of a farewell gift.

No, he didn't say it. I inferred. Because after that meeting we didn't meet anymore. It's been 50 over days and there was zero contact.

I could initiate contact, I suppose. But I didn't want to. Why should I? I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm on the losing end.

So I guess it's over.

Last week our cars crossed paths. He was making a turn while I was going straight. My dad saw him but I think he didn't see us. I just suddenly felt all emotional about how we may be so close in proximity, yet so far in reality.

Anyway, I think it's time to move on. Like, REALLY move on.

And Millionaire Wannabe's colleague, let's call him Mr. Tall, had been chatting with me online. He finally asked me out last week so I guess he's showing some interest. My impression of him is really neutral because most of our contact is online. So I guess I can draw a better picture when we meet.

A first date - just what I needed to help me move on. Nice.

This blog is so fab because I get to keep track of my own emotions.

I had a revelation yesterday: I always thought that it's crazy how I actually can't get over Favourite Guy all these 6 years or so, and in a way this is a huge problem for me because I feel somewhat "ashamed" about it. However, I realise that I did get over him for a while, probably after the two-year-ago chat we had. I really got over him.

But after we kind of got closer again recently, I simply fall in love all over again.

I didn't hold on to the same feelings forever. I threw it away. Then new feelings came all over again. And the feelings are renewed. I like the now-him. If it were me looking at the then-him, I might not still like him. That's what it is - brand-new feelings about a not-so-new person.

Just gonna update in point form because my train of thoughts are in a mess:

-Was kinda pleased that he had the intention to entrust his car to me while he's in London, knowing that he loves his car so much. (And then wonder if he would have trusted with anyone with it anyway)
-Was glad that he seems excited about the concert because he has told his buds about it.
-He dropped me a pretty random text message when he was in London. (Yet instead of simply feeling glad that he thought me while he's there, I started suspecting if he actually was back and didn't tell me about it and I even called up just to listen in to the ringtone and even asked him if he's actually back. Then he had to re-assure me that he isn't. The SMS was really kinda sweet, I mean the way he assured me)
-Was excited about the whole idea of him rushing over to pick me up so that we could go to the indoor stadium together, when the more logical thing to do is that we meet there separately.
-He told me that he really enjoyed the concert and that it's his first and I felt the sincerity.
-He bought me something from London and it's the first time he's gotten me any present. It's kinda sweet that he got me out of the car with some excuse, placed it on the seat for me to discover later. I was so stunned that I didn't know how to react and even asked him a few times if it was really for me. I wish I could see how he looked when he was choosing the present for me. The thought that he thought of me is just priceless. (And I think it's crazy how I'm happy over a gift. Yet on the other hand start getting paranoid all over, thinking that perhaps he just wanted to thank me for the concert tickets)

So anyway, it's as though it's a sign from Heaven, but somehow, everyone who heard anything about him told me that I HAVE TO talk to him about it - about whether we're gonna be an item or not. It sounds like the most sensible thing to do but I still think I lack the courage to do it. Like, how to broach the subject and how to handle rejection.

I'm extremely afraid that he'll tell me that he hasn't gotten over That Woman or that actually there is someone else in mind or that he totally think we're not meant to be.

Wise Man told me that, if he's still seeing me so often, it probably means that he's interested. He said that no guy will spend time on a girl if he's not interested in her. It sounds like words of wisdom to me. Sounds true.

The problem lies with me. I lack the confidence because it's been shattered a few times. And I fear hearing bad news all over again. Does it mean that I don't want him enough?

But I don't think it's true. I really think we'll be good together. It's only when I'm with him that I feel I can drop any form of pretenses and be myself - and I like what I see. With him, I feel empowered, like I become a braver person yet I feel that I can totally rely on him because he's what I am not - calm, level-headed, logical - so I feel complete. I genuinely want to see him smile everyday. In fact, I want to make him smile everyday. I wish all good things happen to him because I feel that he deserves everything good. I really want him to be happy.

I need to pick those shattered pieces of confidence up.

Colleague 1 told me that April will be a good time to confess my love - according to some fengshui reading - because it's bound to be successful.

I still don't know if I'm ever going to be able to go to Favourite Guy upfront and say, "You and me, together. What say you?" because I'm so afraid to see him smile weakly and say, "I'm sorry..."

Perhaps because it's been so long. And each time I felt that perhaps it would be different, so if I'm let down again, I know I'll be shattered. I wonder how many times can a heart be shattered anyway.

Although I really felt that this time it may be different. Just because after the 1-2 year break, I really felt that I've grown so much as a person, yet falling in love all over again with him. At the same time, I'm pretty sure That Woman isn't in the picture as much as it was in the past. I believe that I survived the wait*.

I used to write songs and do other silly things for him. But I guess I've grown up a lot from then and now do other types of silly things for him.

For instance, getting tickets for the both of us, to a concert of a singer that doesn't exactly top my favourite list. And to make sure that I will enjoy it much (so that he will enjoy it more), I'm beginning to do some "homework" by listening to some of his songs.

For another instance, asking Bestie's boyfriend to give me a short talk about property investment because he's very into it. I did this so that I will have more in common with him. I want to be able to communicate with him on a more similar ground.

The kind of stuff I do for him... do you think there are any awards out there that I may be able to get?


*There was once, some 6 years ago, a few nights before he was about to leave for 4 years, I was on the phone with him at something like 2a.m. on his land-line. She called on the handphone. He gave her an excuse. She hung up. We chatted. She called again. He gave her another excuse. She hung up. We chatted. She called again. The whole thing repeated at least 7 times. He finally asked me to hang up and said he'll call me back again. I felt like crying then, not because I couldn't talk to him, but because I realise that That Woman sees me as a threat and I know that she would make sure that my life would not get easy. She was getting possessive. That was when I know that I might be fighting a losing battle. But I thought that as long as I can out-wait her, then perhaps I could win. So perhaps I could stay up all night as wait for him to call me back when she's finally done. I can't remember what happened in the end though.

We managed to meet up for an hour for a quick meal although Favourite Guy's seriously jet-lagging and I'm rushing off for work. Sigh, if this is not called commitment, I don't know what it's called :P

He still refused that I get a cake. I guess it's just not him. The thing about him is that I can never expect the same reaction from him (compared to other "regular guy"). Anyway, what made me kinda happy was the fact that I was given the "exclusive chance" to celebrate birthday with him.

Yesterday he casually mentioned that our reported income makes us eligible for a HDB flat. Tsk. How suggestive.

I guess there is an improvement compared to the past. I remember that he rejected when I said I will celebrate his birthday for him in the past. But now he embraces it.

Sounds like a good sign to me.

I've bought the tickets. I didn't buy the least expensive one as planned, but the second least expensive. The difference is almost $70 for the both of us but as Blur Girl said, might as well get better seats for a better experience.

Out with Colleague today and had a long chat. She suggested that I simply ask him, "SO, what are we now?" but the thought of it just scares me off. It's really easier said than done. Hopefully, he gets that I'm still very much into him and if he really is interested, he'll do something?

That said, Colleague advised that I shouldn't just give it up if I really feel that I want to take the step further. "You won't want to wait till you're 40, and you meet, and say each other, 'Actually I wanted to ask you something that time..." and realise that you've missed the moment that you can never get back again..."

This thought scares me even more. I don't want to live with this regret.

So anyway, I decided to go with the buying and I'm going to take him out on the day of the concert itself and surprise him (so of course I'll be going with him).

Favourite Guy left for Europe yesterday and I texted him to wish him a good trip. Ok, I need to immortalise the SMS exchanges we have because, well, I like the way it was:

Me: Hey favourite student, bon voyage! Btw are you free on (date of concert)?
FG: I think so... it's a weekend? Why leh? Tks 4 the bonnie
Me: No problem. Hmm, buy you birthday dinner!
FG: Huh? 4 weeks after my bday u wana buy me dinner? Any other silly reasons?
Me: Alright, I made that lame excuse up. Birthday supper on your birthday then. You're not free on that day?
FG: of course im free; its 5 weeks from nowl how can i possibly have anything on so long later, unless maybe wedding dinner, which im really not keeping track of :p
Me: Ok, cool. Mark that date down then, and don't go for the wedding dinner :)
FG: Huh? Im totally confused, so whats on on the other day?
Me: Won't tell you. You'll find out :p
FG: Okay lor, wedding dinner takes precedence then :p
Me: You're nice, you won't do that.
FG: yeah i agreed to the wedding dinner, if there indeed was one, first. Im nice, just lettg u know my gut feel first
Me: Check leh...
FG: im flying off dear, remind me nxt wk can?
Me: Ok, i'll remind you again. have as much fun as you can!
FG: 3 days of conference 2 days of free n easy, but i'll try my best... Haha...
Me: You've emphasized that more than once, old man :p
(after a while)
FG: No wedding dinner that day, confirmed
Me: Great! Then you're booked for that evening k.
FG: cant remember which evening u booked me for though :p
Me: (date of concert)
FG: I was just kidding! But i'll sure forget closer to the date though...
Me: It's time you train up your memory. You can't rely on me to remind you all the time :)
FG: I can and shall :)
Me: I'll be so proud of you :p

Big flirt.

Just the other day I was thinking if his favourite singer comes to town for a concert, I'll get him the tickets as a gift. And it's almost magical when I realised that his favourite singer IS coming to town and the concert falls on his birthday month!

Now I'm really thinking of getting the tickets for him! Should I? Should I?

I'm thinking if I should give him one ticket (and one for myself) or two tickets and ask him to decide who to go with. I know I'm once again, trying to make things hard for myself.

What should I do?

I forgot to mention something...

It's been quite a while since I last saw him in uniform. The first time we re-met again (after a decade), he was in uniform too. And I swooned at the sight.

I guess I have a uniform fetish :p

So coming back, he was in his uniform on Valentine's Day Eve and he still looked good - absolutely delectable.

"I haven't seen you in uniform for a long while," I commented.

"Why? Do I look better in uniform?" he asked.

I forgot what I replied but I didn't quite answer his question.

"I don't think you answered my question," he said, not looking at me (coz he was driving).

"Yes, I think you look really good in your uniform," I said sincerely.

He grinned.

I love dispensing genuine compliments.